Walking With People IN Grief And Lament

I teach the theory and practice of grief and loss at Sparrows College. Information about grief is one thing, the reality of ‘walking with’ people’s grief and loss is a very different thing. Witnessing people’s gut-wrenching laments, confusion of questions, groanings, weeping at God and anger at people held responsible. The unusual behaviours… the avoidance of Christians unable to ‘walk with’ grievers long-term, together towards the sacredness of the deep silence of reluctant acceptance. Nobody can tell you how long that will take.

An example. A dear Christian friend’s spouse died rapidly, within two weeks of diagnosis. The shock was overwhelming, the anguish and distress at his demise, the desperate clutching to hope for a healing miracle, gone. Whilst we sang hymns, prayed and wept together in the hospital, I closed his eyes and notified the nurse. The family’s lamenting was profound and painful: words failed ¹. No will was found, the administrative chaos continued for years causing deep distress to the family, whose disbelief, anxiety, anger and confusion are still palpable years later. The church, sadly, was blamed for avoiding and not helping them. They no longer attend church. 

Grief expert Worden’s² ‘tasks’ of mourning fall short of the reality of grief in that there is no straight line of ‘tasks’ towards normalcy. Grief expert Attig³ proposes that the grieving person must “relearn the world”⁴, which aligns with C.S Lewis’s⁵ experience after his wife died. Lewis wrote⁶: “Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly… But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.” That was my friend’s experience of religious platitudes not meeting their needs. Everything had changed, disconnection and loneliness drove longing for the past and their grief became complicated⁷ and stuck. 

Lamenting is a biblical practice. Over 65 Psalms are laments expressing emotional devastation, pain, doubts, questions, deep longings and fears. Jesus lamented on the cross⁸. We have permission to lament.

Lament happens when everything you’ve believed in, trusted in and hoped for is dead. Cleopas and an unnamed disciple walk the road to Emmaus discussing the events surrounding the suffering and death of Jesus in Jerusalem⁹. Think… they had given up everything to follow Jesus, believing the hope of their faith and people, that the Messiah had come… and now He was dead. Were they deceived? Did they make a mistake? How disappointed and angry they would have been. Imagine their anguish at such a great loss and their confusion at the women’s vision saying Jesus was alive¹⁰. Why would Jesus tell women as witnesses? Their walk of 11km home would take hours. Not a short dialogue of lament between fellow sufferers.

Jesus, unrecognised, draws alongside the grieving disciples, both “looking downcast”¹¹ focused upon their grief. Jesus asks ‘open questions’,¹² “What is this conversation? What things?” They stop walking in disbelief at the person ‘walking with’ them not knowing what’s happened and they explain their grief and lament.  Notice that Jesus listens to their narrative before correcting their theology. It’s important to consider that grieving, lamenting people may not ‘recognise’ or remember details of who was with them at their worst time because of shock, dissociation and focus upon their own surreal, time-distorting experience¹³. Thus, timing the use of scripture is vital. Listen first to validate their experience. Jesus got it right.

Righteous Job in his grief, loss and total devastation, “fell on the ground and worshipped”¹⁴  without bad mouthing God in his lament. Job’s neighbours got it right for seven days… they tore their clothes, wept and sat ‘with’ Job, “seeing his distress was very great.”¹⁵ Then things went wrong. Job’s friends’ bad theology condemned Job to justify what they couldn’t explain. They didn’t listen to understand or console Job but argued to justify their theology. That is not ‘walking with’ a person in grief or lament; that’s insensitive and religiously abusive. Religious abuse¹⁶ being when people use religious beliefs to judge, scare, silence, manipulate or control a person. Job’s suffering and trauma wasn’t helped by his neighbours judgment and spiritual abuse.

Christians like Jesus are “acquainted with grief”¹⁷ in ‘walking with’ the grief stricken and traumatised during their anger, questioning and lament, listening attentively, taking time, not minimising, practically helping¹⁸… breaking bread¹⁹ with them, awaiting the Holy Spirit’s revelation of the meaning. “You never really know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.²⁰” With suffering, transformation and resurrection follow.